I've started at a rotation on a Child Psychiatry in-patient unit
Do you know what it feels like when everything you've ever wanted is in front of you, but you have no idea how to get it? In a different country than the one I've known all my life, I don't even know how to send a fax, let alone how to present a case to a doctor. It doesn't help that I have a phobia of authority figures.
I love so many things about being here. The beauty of this place, even though it is so cold all the time. I love the children I work with and sometimes I want to hug some of them and ruffle their hair, but that would not be appropriate; they have to learn ways to cope with their emotions without someone else doing it for them.
Some of them I don't understand why they do what they do; some I don't understand how to reach and they remind of painful times in my life.
I will be there tomorrow though, and everyday, trying something new everyday, trying my best to figure this out because no one that small should have to struggle with things that are so terrible within themselves alone and think that there is no hope left in the world.
With them, I am learning things about myself and the people around me that I grew up with and am still around. I don't understand fully but fleeting glimpses are what I am allowed.
My brain feels like a sieve with so many things to remember and I feel like I am filtering out the important stuff trying to remember the details.
I sound so drab and dreary even to myself. I haven't been doing good things for myself or remembering them.
I shall try to remember them soon.
I was kind. I tried my best to help even when I had no idea how to. I played a game with one of kids. I smile at them and ask them how they are doing. I like Amy (name changed) and I see so much of myself in her; its easy to forget that she hears voices. I got her to talk to me and smile. And its a lovely smile and with so much energy but it fades so quickly its strange.
So much of what she is are things I aspire for, including the ability to learn new things quickly.
I'm learning the newest music from the children, what bands are popular now. What they do to pass time. I find it hard to identify with the gaming part of it; I grew up with no gaming access and they have the Wii and Playstation and I have no idea what those things are.
One of them has a very pretty blue blanket with penguins and a unicorn sweater. They color with markers that smell nice, like nachos and cheese and cinnamon and strawberry. They have stickers to put on chartpaper and magazines to cut out of.
I miss those bits about my childhood. I miss compulsory art lessons and library time. I miss the corridor with Play Doh in the corner. I love the smell of Play Doh. I had a game with monkeys in it and a fake computer I could fake type on. We had a tiny library but we were small and there were so many books; it was a blissful hour-or was it half ? I miss not having to worry about grown up things. I was pretty unhappy though or so I remember myself describing my childhood as. Brief moments of joy interspersed in the middle of feelings of mostly sad, out of place in school and at home scared and angry and closed.
I caught myself regressing. I wanted so badly to be let in the room with the books and re read the books I loved and still loved. Harold and the Purple Crayon, Dr Seuss and heaven knows what else.
Now I don't have the time for bookshops and my family was so against me reading and playing the piano and other pursuits that were not science or earned money or would make me a good wife I just lost sight of my creativity and I never got it back. I can't draw or write stories from imagination or even compose. I have no creative flair left in me. I suppose the only way to get it back is to exercise it.
I'm going to practise writing, for one.
And I bought myself felt tip markers and a notebook to draw in. I'm looking forward to that over the weekend!